Trust is important for us to experience the deepest pleasures our body can offer us. Often the person most likely to repeatedly breach our body’s trust is ourselves. I know I did repeatedly for years and eventually the ways I neglected, misused or abused my body took their toll, a rift was caused. This rift is communicated by the body to the mind with loss of sexual vitality, desire, genital numbness or pain.
I do not have any experience with anorgasmia as I was born orgasmic and recall my first orgasms during masturbation at 5 years old. However, I do have experience with loosing sensitivity and finding orgasm harder and harder to achieve because of my reckless misuse of my body and my sexuality. On top of abusing my body and sexuality I viciously suppressed or shamed my emotional sensitivity. Any feeling that made me feel vulnerable I made my enemy. Anger and lust were all that I didn’t feel shame about. I thought this was strength. It was not. It was disastrously toxic and harmful.
Over a decade of this my body began to rebel against this suppression and abuse by losing sensitivity. Eventually I began to experience genital numbness and loss of libido. This loss of sexual pleasure, my beloved orgasmicity, left me deeply deeply depressed. You cannot shun and suppress your emotional sensitivity, abuse your body and maintain sexual sensitivity and vitality. You will always pay a price, eventually.
It took me another decade of self reflection and the hard work of self love to fully reverse this damage. Thankfully, I now find myself experiencing more full bodied orgasmic pleasure than I did before. How did I rebuild trust between my mind, heart and body? I started listening to my body by paying close attention to how it reacted to my actions towards it. I gradually stopped eating and drinking things that harmed it. I stopped doing things to my body that caused it to shutdown. I stopped violating my own body by forcing orgasms out of it. Instead I ate and drank what replenished me. I made time to touch my body only to nurture it and to accept whatever sensations and feelings were there. I explored what types of exercise and movement nurtured my bodies vitality and sensations, not it’s appearance. I sought out tender and gentle sexual practices to balance and complement my love of rough sex , intense sensations and consensual sexual violence.
I worked on my toxic anger issues so that I was not uncontrollably consumed by my rage, but able to channel anger from my heart creatively into productive action when necessary. To do this I allow myself to cry whenever I feel the need to. I stopped numbing out with drugs and alcohol. I permitted my heart and body to grieve completely for as long and as often as needed. I allow myself to feel and express sadness and hurt without distorting it into anger every time. I acknowledged my insecurities and vulnerabilities with care and compassion. I worked to love and accept my sensitive heart instead of constantly shaming it, and here I learned true strength and resilience. I was so easily hurt when I was using emotional suppression and anger as my coping mechanism. My ego was terribly fragile and it was utterly miserable to be angry so much of the time.
With all of this work slowly the connection between my mind, heart and body rekindled. There were many times I thought my sexual vitality and genital pleasure might never be quite what it was before my body outright rebelled. I worked to accept this and be grateful that I was experiencing more peace, healthier relationships, and orgasms in ways I had never before, all over my body, through meditation, yoga, ritual embodied dance and nurturing self touch.
Incrementally my body began to trust me and after nearly ten years the communication between my body, heart and mind have reached a clarity I never previously experienced, they are a cohesive team, no longer at war. With this patient work of love and reunification I have been able to regain all that I lost with my sensations and more. When something you deeply loved and lost returns to you, oh there is no greater pleasure on earth.