I’ve been thinking recently about really good sexual experiences. Of course anyone who is paying attention to such conversations will have heard that good communication and care for reciprocal pleasure are vital components. What we mean when we say good communication is the ability to express your true desires and describe how you want to be touched with specifics such as speed and firmness. Good communication is also the ability to listen and respond to this specific information from others, to listen without ego and to act on what you hear not resort to old habitual techniques of what you’ve always done. These skills with communication, breaking habits and caring about reciprocal pleasure help us avoid bad sex, but they don’t necessarily add up to really good sex.
In my experiences over the decades, really good sex requires a quieting of the busy distracted or insecure mind so that the body and our full range of sensations takes the helm. I call this embodiment. This can happen automatically when our desire and arousal is so strong it overpowers distracting thoughts or self-conscious inhibitions that would otherwise restrict our pleasure. Yet sometimes the mind resists and our arousal isn’t quite strong enough to silence our thoughts of fears, doubts and criticisms. We’re distracted by the mind and our capacity to go deeply into the realm of sensation and pleasure is restricted and limited by these mental distractions.
Developing an embodiment practice with solo pleasure can give us choice and mastery over the busy distracting mind and open pathways to deeper and more expansive arousal and pleasure. When we have the techniques to quiet our mind we can explore our capacity for pleasure with more freedom and intention. We can create our own sexual odyssey and not be reliant on an external impetus to cause such arousal that we become embodied and present, instead we learn how to internally create embodied presence whenever we want it.
The techniques of embodiment practice are the simple tools of sound, breath, movement and touch. When we learn these techniques during our solo pleasure and masturbation we gain more choice and control in our partner or group sex experiences. To feel more deeply, breathe more deeply. Deep breathing releases tension from the body so that your sensations can flow at full force. To quiet distracting thoughts make more sound. If you need to quiet a busy mind so you can feel sensations fully, let your desire be expressed with sounds, moans, screams, roars or dirty filthy words of joyous lust. To feel pleasure everywhere touch and move everywhere. If you want to feel your orgasm throughout your whole-body then touch, move and use your whole-body during sex, not only the genitals. Your whole body is an erogenous zone and giving yourself free reign to explore it during masturbation, or sensual exploration with partners, will bring more orgasmic sensations to your whole body.
Of course, there are myriad ways to create erotic intensity that quiets the mind and brings us into an embodied, enhanced and/or altered state of consciousness and these techniques are a great complement to all manner of kinky adventures also. It doesn’t always have to be elaborate either and I love a no frills vigorous fuck sesh as much as anyone. Variety is the spice of life and if you only fuck or wank one way because you fear the vulnerability of learning something new then you are probably missing out. Every single one of us has a capacity for profound and prolonged states of orgasmic pleasure… no one is more magically sexual than you, you simply need to truly explore yourself to know yourself. It’s all there waiting for you to seize the courage and the desire to go on an adventure .