Recently Ben Shapiro tried to use the old misogynist trope of insisting that sex workers are diseased to launch an online attack on Cardi B’s ‘Wet Ass Pussy’. It was a poorly thought out joke that made Shaprio look like a sexual ignoramus who doesn’t arouse his wife.
Unsurprisingly, Shapiro’s ignorance about the awe inspiring wetness of peak multi-orgasmic female arousal made him the butt of his own joke. Also unsurprisingly, Shapiro then doubled down by admitting to the world that he and his wife don’t value sexual satisfaction. Maybe this is true for them. The Shapiros could be a well matched pair of asexuals or demisexuals for all I know.
Many people are just born with a no/low sex drive and no/little interest in sex, and that’s totally okay. The trouble is it’s far from the truth for the majority of people. Shapiro presents his disinterest in sexual satisfaction as though it is morally superior, which is demonstrably harmful. Seeing that infidelity is one of the most common reasons cited for divorce, marriage counselling and hearing why people use porn a lot and visit sex workers in high numbers, this dismissal of sexual satisfaction also puts him directly at odds with reality.
Huge numbers of people risk their lives, break the vows of their marriage, to their god(s), to their own core values, to the deepest wishes of their own hearts because of the human need for sexual satisfaction. Dismiss this power at your peril. The futile attempt to diminish the power and importance of sex in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary has caused, not just countless heartbreaks, but the endless and tedious sex scandals the media loves to whip up too.
It doesn’t matter if you’re left, right, centre, country, city, republican, democrat, conservative, liberal, progressive, gay, straight, queer, christian, muslim, jewish, hippy, buddhist, hindu, atheist or tantric… whatever your colour, creed and political persuasion sex scandals have hit your community and will continue to do so. The human desire for sexual satisfaction is extremely powerful, extremely important and can go destructively awry if it isn’t paid it’s due respect. Just look at the global paedophile ring within the catholic church, a consequence of it’s loathing, shaming and degradation of the sex drive, among other things. The immense power and import of the need for sexual satisfaction deserves nurture, reverence and respectful caution. No less so if you decide to sacrifice your satisfaction for family, ideological or faith based reasons.
Both in my personal and professional life I have seen many people lose partners and families that they dearly love due to the relationship becoming devoid of sexual satisfaction and being unable to communicate that as a problem. The underlying cause of this loss is so often due to the foundational belief that “there are far more important things than sexual satisfaction in a marriage”. It’s like believing that the world is flat, this belief contradicts the evidence of our human reality. Believing sexual satisfaction is unimportant keeps partners from communicating about their struggles with sexual desire with their intimate partners. It silences and shames them into telling their beloved placating lies to hide their true needs, and then they often feel forced to seek satisfaction elsewhere, in secret.
Now I am not suggesting that everyone should be devoted to the exploration of the sexual arts, open relating or polyamory, far from it. What I am saying is that even if you choose monogamy, or even celibacy, you would be wise to humbly acknowledge and revere the power of your need for sexual satisfaction to protect against the disasters denial too often causes. Sexual satisfaction matters, it matters as much as any other aspect of a marriage or romantic relationship. No matter what form your agreements and vows take in your intimate relationships, you’ll only benefit from the wise recognition of this and the compassionate, careful but frank ongoing discussion of sexual satisfaction with your intimate beloved(s).